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April was a month of high highs and low lows. I was a bag of anxious tangles and spiraling thoughts, but I also watched the most beautiful sunset of my life with my best friend in the desert. I let go of some unnecessary expectations. I laughed and talked about death with dear friends. I’m remembering to ride the wave and let everything happen: beauty and terror.
📚 what I read.
“Now I know: Being watched and being witnessed are not the same thing. Not even close.” Lane Scott Jones is in her Year of Longform, trading podcasts for audiobooks; singles for albums; memorizing poetry. Her reflections on how our friendships shift when we renegotiate our relationships with social media — the medicine my brain deeply needed.
As I spend more time thinking about how to spend money in ways that align with my values, this is an interesting and genuinely helpful articulation about why Quince might not be it.
How (Not) to Pray (Part 1). Reaching the end of divinity school has been a complicated mix of emotions — relief, frustration, grief, joy, pride. Things have felt spiritually dark lately, but Christina Turner’s tender honesty has been haunting me — there is a journey, and the darkness is only a part.
Rowen Brooke is a writer and cut flower florist and her Field Notes is one of the softest, most regulating places on Substack — particularly this April letter about chaos and hope.
This poem feels like a cool, wet spring morning.
🎧 what I listened to.
nothing is getting me quite as hype as queralt lahoz (I listened to La FUENTE L’AMAPOLA approximately one hundred and eighty times in April).
and for all other times, funky ambient desert music is making my heart sing. hermanos gutiérrez, khrungabin, arc de soleil. here’s a playlist of my favorites.
💡 what I learned.
Transitions are so hard. It’s okay that they’re hard — it’s not an indication that you’re doing anything wrong, or that your life is headed in the wrong direction. The in-between space is just hard.
The part of me that over-functions and exhausts herself is trying to help. She’s trying to protect the part of you who’s terrified of failure and insignificance. Hold all these parts with tenderness and love.
Meditation is beautiful and important, but it’s a stretch goal for me. Right now, sound bath and walking around the backyard with bare feet sooth and regulate me without the *pressure* of meditation. That’s okay.
Did you read or watch something beautiful and wonderful this month? I want to hear about it!
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I don’t know Vir, but three cheers for being cancer free! what a celebration!! 🎉 also, new tat is 10/10. can’t wait to ask you about it in person.