"have you been here before?"

Notes on staring into the abyss (again).

To say last week was heavy is an understatement.

I used the tools I had to cope and survive, just like we all did.

I talked to my mom on the phone. I debriefed with my friends over drinks and group chats. I cried through therapy. I immersed myself in a big, beautiful city with people I love. I avoided the “how could this have happened again” thinkpieces and retrospectives (for now). I got sick and slept for 11 hours. I did what I needed to do.

I also heard a piece of wisdom from a colleague that has been settling into my skin for the last week. She offered a question from her training in spiritual direction:

Have you been here before?

The bleak, horrifying, heartbreaking answer of last week was yes. We have been here before.

But then she asked,

Is there something about this place that you know something about?
Is there something your body remembers?

I’ve been sitting with it, and I do remember.

I remember the heartache, the feeling that the floor had dropped out from underneath me.
I remember realizing that the world is so much more complicated and painful than I thought.
I remember calling my grandmother the next day to ask, “are we going to be okay?”
But I also remember courage.
I remember the work.
I remember marches. Protests. Writing postcards. Giving money and time.
I remember realizing just how beautiful my friends look when they are fighting for goodness and beauty — awake and alive.
I remember checking in on my community, and being checked in on.
I remember the humility of waking up and learning.
I remember connecting, finally, to my anger.
I remember solidarity. I remember connection.
I remember finding my voice and refusing to step back from it.
I remember so much pain, and I remember life.

I do not have the wisdom here, in the face of unspeakable pain. In the face of the reality that our communities are going to suffer, that our people are going to die. In the face of all of this fearful unknown. I do not have the wisdom here.

But you do.
Your body does.
Your spirit does.

We have been here before.

What do you remember?